You still were so litlle, so vulnerable
You were taken away from me at four months
Why is it that you only were allowed to see so little of this world

I am so sad – I didn’t want to lose you…

I never wanted any of my own, that’s all. Not that I put much thought to it, really – I just never got pregnant. Not even had my period late once. Regular as clockwork – until it stopped completely, of course. Harvey would have liked to have children, I know that, but he rarely spoke about it. It just didn’t happen for us, and neither of us expressed any real sorrow about that. We had a full life, with our own business and so, and life has been kind to us.

Strange thing is, lately I started to have these dreams about a baby boy. Or rather, I can’t really remember dreaming about him – I just know I did, because I remember holding him, smelling his sweet little smell, counting his ten little toes and his ten little fingers, his tiny nose…. I can’t exactly remember dreaming all that. It’s just, in the middle of cooking a dinner, or taking an afternoon walk, or reading the paper even, I suddenly remember all these little sensations and feelings…. A baby boy! And great joy suddenly fills my heart.

I don’t know his name. Maybe I didn’t give him a name yet, he’s so tiny, he can’t be more then a day old, or two. And it doesn’t feel like a lot of responsability or anything like that. It’s just the joy, of knowing there is this baby boy.

But of course there isn’t, not really. And everytime I realize that, I feel a pang. I never had that before. And now, at 74, I suddenly have started to have these pangs everytime I realize this boy isn’t real, he isn’t really my baby boy.

Isn’t that strange? At my age, every chance of having a child is gone. And here I am, enjoying this little baby, this boy, the offspring of my imagination, you could say. And I really like having him around. Even if it’s only in my mind, even if on realizing he is not real I get this pain in my heart. He’s so sweet, so I don’t mind that.

I just hope he stays with me a while now that he’s here. I couldn’t stand to lose him.

and now it hurts so much
that I couldn’t give it anything
that we cannot be a family
and I couldn’t keep it alive

On July 23 2007, our son Roy, after a pregnancy of 36 weeks, deceased. On July 22 I visited my midwife his heart was still beating. Everything was still good.

The next morning I found him very quiet, and I lost some fluid. I was worried so I called my midwife again. I had to come immediately. I fist rang my boyfriend and he came immediately. The midwife could not find the heartbeat so she took us to the hospital. There it was found out that our son was deceased.

We were stunned, we could not believe that happened to us. Of course we had very much grief and pain. We thought they would act immediatly to let him be born but we were wrong. We first had to take some time for ourselfs, the doctor said, so there was an appointment for the following morning at 8.15 am in order to induce labor.

So the next day we went back to the hospital. We were very well received and were well cared for. People took their time to talk about what happened to us.

Then the contractions started. At 17.00 I asked for a painkiller, because I could not stand the pain, and after 10 minutes the pain was less, at around 18.00 hours I was taken to the delivery room. The nurse asked if I wanted a bath. I wanted that very much. That warm water was so nice! Then I was brought back to the delivery room. After that it went fast. 0m 20.00 I could start pressing. My friend was very emotional at that time. My mother was there and my mother in law. I had lot of support from it. At 21.00 our son was born, Roy. What was he beautiful, such a beautiful baby gift. How is this possible? Why? His weight was 3100 grams and and he was 47 cm long. We held him with us all night. And also the next day. What a sadness!

The doctor and midwife came along a few times. Everyone grieved with us.

The next day was his funeral and we had to say goodbye to Roy. He was in a nice crib. With all his toy animals and a picture of us together. A 150 people were at the funeral. That was nice.

I still think about him every day. I never talk about that – I don’t think people are interested anymore.

(Xenia, from Holland)

I thought about creating a place for those of us who seek a place to mourn the child that never was born for some time now, and as a New Years resolution I decided to finally do it.

Neverborn children are so often an untold story – after losing a baby, or after mourning about realizing you may never have one, after a while you are supposed to move on, people just seem to lose intrest. But in reality the sadness takes a long time to abate, and often will never vanish completely. Telling the story, sharing it with others, will help though.

So, if you have a story to share, be welcome to tell it here. I hope it will help you to recover, even if only just a little.

Over there, yes, I saw you
Among a billion stars I found your one
These few lines are for you
For the child that could
But has not come to life in this blue world
And this message’s for you
Hope it helps you not to
Feel so lone and forsaken in sorrow

…Letter to my child never born…

Son I’ve never had
Just come and take my hand
If life you haven’t had
Is what you still regret
I’ve been told that Faith
Is something you can’t buy
Should I praise it, then
To come and cleanse my pain?

In this night hear my call
Come to my door
Melt your tears with mine
These few lines are for you
For the child that could
But has not come to life in this blue world
And this message’s for you
Hope it helps you not to
Feel so lone and forsaken in sorrow

…Letter to my child never born…

Hey there, I’d want to know
Could I have done anything I did not?
I’m not a hero, I just couldn’t…
What if I…? What if we…maybe…
would you tell me?
I just want this pain
To be part of me
This is all for you

…My poor child never born…

These few lines are for you
For the child that could
But has not come to life in this blue world
And this message’s for you
Hope it helps you not to
Feel so lone and forsaken in sorrow

…Letter to my child never born…

(These are the lyrics of the song “Letter to my child never born” by Vision Divine. You can hear it on YouTube here – but a little warning: it rocks…)