A Baby Boy

It’s not that I don’t like children. On the contrary, I really love the children of my brother and sisters, and they love me back. Even now, as I am old and they have children of their own, they visit Harvey and me often enough. And I really like their children too. Feels a bit like grandchildren, even. No, it’s not that I don’t love children.

I never wanted any of my own, that’s all. Not that I put much thought to it, really – I just never got pregnant. Not even had my period late once. Regular as clockwork – until it stopped completely, of course. Harvey would have liked to have children, I know that, but he rarely spoke about it. It just didn’t happen for us, and neither of us expressed any real sorrow about that. We had a full life, with our own business and so, and life has been kind to us.

Strange thing is, lately I started to have these dreams about a baby boy. Or rather, I can’t really remember dreaming about him – I just know I did, because I remember holding him, smelling his sweet little smell, counting his ten little toes and his ten little fingers, his tiny nose…. I can’t exactly remember dreaming all that. It’s just, in the middle of cooking a dinner, or taking an afternoon walk, or reading the paper even, I suddenly remember all these little sensations and feelings…. A baby boy! And great joy suddenly fills my heart.

I don’t know his name. Maybe I didn’t give him a name yet, he’s so tiny, he can’t be more then a day old, or two. And it doesn’t feel like a lot of responsability or anything like that. It’s just the joy, of knowing there is this baby boy.

But of course there isn’t, not really. And everytime I realize that, I feel a pang. I never had that before. And now, at 74, I suddenly have started to have these pangs everytime I realize this boy isn’t real, he isn’t really my baby boy.

Isn’t that strange? At my age, every chance of having a child is gone. And here I am, enjoying this little baby, this boy, the offspring of my imagination, you could say. And I really like having him around. Even if it’s only in my mind, even if on realizing he is not real I get this pain in my heart. He’s so sweet, so I don’t mind that.

I just hope he stays with me a while now that he’s here. I couldn’t stand to lose him.